Sharing a Secret #22

Secrets are not meant to be shared, which is why they are called secrets. Secrets do not make new friends; however, they keep the ones that you have. I have a secret that I have kept with me since childhood. It is one of those secrets that do not affect anyone except me, so I believe that I have the right to retain that secret in the shadowy closet I keep in my head and heart. There are obviously a few people, who know the contents of that shadowy closet, but I trust these select people to spread my business with everyone else… or so I thought.

One night my Mom was over late when my girlfriend and friend were visiting. Mom was telling all of my embarrassing stories from my childhood as I cringed from my seat on the futon. This was the third day I had been home from the hospital after having emergency surgery, and I was feeling really tired thanks to the lovely pain medication that had been prescribed. After much argument about college basketball, I took my leave to my bedroom to pass out for the night. I did not give it much thought, since my Mom had been around my girlfriend and friend before. I thought that after I left the living room, they would go home while Mom stayed with me for the night. Turns out, I was completely mistaken. My friend left after a few more hours, but that still left my significant other and Mom alone for some private talk time.

I remember waking up around three am and being blinded by the light coming from the living room. Instantly, I was livid with red anger. How in the world could anyone still be up and still talking? I just got out of the hospital for crying out loud, where was my consideration? I stumbled into the living space and yelled for the two of them to leave so I could sleep in peace. Besides my anger at being woken up, I did not think anything of that night. I thought more baby pictures had been shown around, a story from when I played ball in third grade, or some silly story about a childhood crush.

Fast forward three months later; I decide to end it with my girlfriend. We were not getting along at all, just fighting all the time. In terms of the relationship, she was in a NASCAR going two hundred miles per hour while I was walking on foot, going as slow as possible. I broke it to her in the way of “it’s me, not you”, “I just don’t see this going any farther”, “I will always care about you” sort of thing. It was true, she will always hold a small piece of my heart, but we weren’t meant to be together.

The break up was not a good one to say the least. The first few days were okay, but hard for her. She would text and call asking me to take her back, basically the usual stuff. Then the anger set in. She called my best friend about a week after we broke up, to tell him all of my darkest secrets. When my best friend told me this, I laughed because I had told her nothing more dangerous than the time I got caught smoking while on the clock. No worries right? Then my stomach dropped. She had told my friend, “I know stuff that I shouldn’t know. Something he wouldn’t tell anyone, even if they were married”. My world came crashing down like Apollo Thirteen.

Like I said before, there is only one thing that I keep to myself; one thing locked away in its darkness that affects only me. Not sure if she was bluffing, I text my Mom and asked her if she had told my ex anything. My Mom’s response was a simple reply of “yes”. I held my emotions in until I was alone, which was the hardest twenty minutes of my life. I said goodbye to my friend who left to attend a meeting at work. As I was walking up the steps outside of my apartment, my fingers flew across the keypad dialing my Mom’s number. I just made it in the door when she answered. All I could ask was “why? Why tell her that?” She had no response. Complete and utter silence extended from the other end of the call. So it was my turn to scream, “WHY?” I heard a little breath released, and then a soft “I honestly don’t know”.

She honestly didn’t know why she told the one secret I guarded with the intensity of an Olympic swimmer? She didn’t know? The only thing that I knew was betrayal. Not only had she shared a painful memory from my past, she kept it from me. For three months I had no clue that she knew. It was not like her knowing changed our relationship, but the fact that neither of them told me hurt like a thousand blazing hot knives cutting into my skin like butter. No one had decided that I had a right to know. Neither of them trusted me enough to tell me of the slip. The one night I had gone to bed early after I felt terrible post surgery, had lead to this most epic betrayal.

During the phone conversation with my Mom, I slipped from the couch to the floor. I curled up into a ball to protect the hole that was forming in my chest. My whole world was slipping away. I was thankful that I was alone for no one should ever see me like that. After hanging up, I laid on the floor until the tear ducts dried up. It seemed like an earth quake was happening, but that was just my body shaking. I prayed for peace and serenity. I dare not pray for forgiveness, but to find myself in a state of calmness. After the longest minute, I found myself able to move off the floor. I found the couch, and then I found sleep. I completely passed out from the emotional stress.

I refused to answer my Mom’s calls for a solid two weeks. I found a cash deposit in my bank account; I guess nothing says sorry like money. Time heals all wounds. Although it does not make anyone forget, I have learned from it. My ex says that she will not tell a soul, but time again will let me know if that is true. So far, I believe her word has been kept, but it is hard to tell where she is at. She is still upset about the break up and my new found romance. Who knows what, if anything, will push her over the edge.